


Surprise Visits

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Series: 1-800-did-I-ask [108]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Beach Holidays, F/M, Grandparents & Grandchildren, Grocery Shopping, M/M, Multi, Other, Polyamory, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 14:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14190549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: hugh lowercase: is racoon hands supposed to be used lovingly in this paragrpahmore like HUNKules: yes lafayette has a way with words





	Surprise Visits

**more like HUNKules** : diD YOU JUST GET LIKE F IF TY CALLS FROM DAD

 **hugh lowercase** : nO I GOT MOM THIS TIME

 **more like HUNKules** : JDKJDHK OKAY OKAY GOOD I THOUGHT SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED TO MOM I ALMOST PANICKED

 **hugh lowercase** : hercules

 **more like HUNKules** : it's fine I'm fine, I'm being buried in the arms of my spouses and they love me and aren't going anywhere and I'm fine

 **hugh lowercase** : are you alright

 **more like HUNKules** : who knows

 **more like HUNKles** : lafayette thinks I have anxiety so that shows you the state I'm in rn

 **more like HUNKules** : also noW dad won't answer my calls

 **hugh lowercase** : I'm on w mom and she said he went to get towels

 **hugh lowercase** : oH BC THEY'RE COMING DOWN FOR TWO DAYS AND THEN LEAVING WITH US

 **hugh lowercase** : THEY SAID THEY PACKED THE BLOW UP MATTRESS HJGHJGHJS THEY'LL BE HERE BY THREE

 **more like HUNKules** : oh my goD

\---

 **little lion** : first of all

 **little lion** : hercules, my love, are you alright

 **more like HUNKules** : yeah I'm okay, just got !! razzled

 **laf** : I worry about you sm I'm getting on top of you

 **laf** : if that's okay it's 100% fine if it's not

 **more like HUNKules** : that's fine come here please

 **laf** : you know you could tell us if you feel !! anxious at any point right !! we're your spouses and we're also here to Hear,,,your fears and insecurities

 **more like HUNKules** : I mean !! I'm always at least a little anxious ranging from like ""I haven't seen my children in a couple hours and I worry but I know they're okay"" and ""I haven't seen my children or my spouses in Twelve hours I don't know how they're doing or if they're okay and I'm on the verge of collapse"" kinda thing but applied to more situations with this as an example

 **more like HUNKules** : wait

 **little lion** : hercULES

 **more like HUNKules** : hmmm

 **laf** : I'm,,,my husband

 **more like HUNKules** : I just !! idk I don't know where in my Soul anxiety would,,,,come from

 **laf** : the fact that anxiety doesn't !! have to be caused by anything !!

 **johnn** : not to mention,,,,three spouses, three kids, bills, your business

 **little lion** : the fact that you have two other spouses that also have anxiety that you focus sm on worrying about that you might not See that what you're feeling maYbe!! is more than !! just being worried about us my love

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,right

 **little lion** : are you okay

 **more like HUNKules** : just thinkin

 **laf** : we love you

 **more like HUNKules** : I love you too

 **little lion** : your skin is so warm

 **more like HUNKules** : I'm,,,flushed,,,thinkin bout how lucky I am to have three wonderful people in my life who take care of me as much as you do

 **laf** : we're gonna call one of our therapists when we get home and ask her to see you to Refer you and you're gonna be okay I love you so much

 **more like HUNKules** : I love you too I'm so blessed to have such an amazing support system

 **little lion** : we literally are nervous all the time and we Get you, my bABE

 **little lion** : also!! we haven't talked abt the fact that your parents are coming down yet

 **more like HUNKules** : mhmm

 **laf** : they're sleeping in our bed, we can take the air mattress

 **more like HUNKules** : you know they Won't let us do that

 **johnn** : theYRE !! in their seventies

 **more like HUNKules** : yeah but then lafayette is gonna bust out the fucking Oodles of french charm and just,,,,pure divine beauty they possess and tell them that they can sleep in our bed, and my parents are gonna melt right down until they hit the iron core that they had to forge what with raising hercules and hugh mulligan, and be like :) we're old, getting up from that thing is how we stay young (: and lafayette refuses to argue with my parents and they would kill me and do the ""we're not playin"" eyes that strike fear into my heart to this day

 **laf** : I

 **laf** : what's on your face??

 **laf** : oh!! nvm I know

 **laf** : it's my lips

 **johnn** : KHGKHGK

 **little lion** : I love them both sm my heart is bursting

 **johnn** : maybe if our hearts actually do burst we can sleep in the hospital and hercules' parents will take our bed

 **little lion** : that's too fucking real

 **more like HUNKules** : hghHG remember when I offered to sleep in the guest room so my parents could have our bed the night before our wedding and my mom accidentally flung a hondeydew cube at me bc she was jabbing her fork at me from across the breakfast bar

 **johnn** : yeAh bc, and I say this with the moSt adoration and love, you're duMB sometimes

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,,fair,,,,

 **johnn** : but you're smart, lovely, and also perfect all other times

 **little lion** : unless us thinking you're perfect puts pressure on you that you feel you have to be perfect or else we'll love you less

 **laf** : bc then, as we've said, four flaws

 **more like HUNKules** : you,,don't have to say the whole sentence every time you call me perfect hJgjhj I love you sm

 **more like HUNKules** : also I should pick my four flaws soon shouldn't I

 **johnn** : you don't have to

 **laf** : I mean,,,what would hercules' flaws be??

 **little lion** : too good at husbanding

 **johnn** : so beautiful it kills me

 **laf** : shaped like a fuckin renaissance statue but bigger and better in Many ways

 **little lion** : ass too round, too beautiful

 **more like HUNKules** : hJHh what is with you and my ass

 **little lion** : if you could look @ your ass from my perspective, you would understand

 **more like HUNKules** : you always say this but then you show me pictures and I jusT don't agree

 **little lion** : yOU grew up with your ass and can't relate, when I saw you from behind the first time in that bar when we met, I was shaking in my rat boots

 **johnn** : mood

 **laf** : rt

 **more like HUNKules** : IM

 **little lion** : god!! hercules is just, not even talking about his sparkling personality or beautiful laugh or voice or the way his hands touch my skin like he's afraid he'll shatter me, is juST !! so like,,,,structurally perfect

 **little lion** : like uGH his hairline and his jaw and his ears, cheekbones, the little gap in his teeth and his neck that just leads to these fuckign,,,muscly af shoulders like rOCKS and his arms and his hands anD he just has !! such big hands he could fit my whole face in one of his hands like wow

 **little lion** : and hOW could we forget how his chest is like pillows and his stomaCH which, when he was like,,,22 nd played danced for Sport and worked out 25/8 to ""work off the sexual tension y'all gave me"" was hard as rocks, is now softer and he doesn't like it as much but IT'S nicer to sleep on him now which he loves and I love him !! and he's stunning and beautiful and shoulder to waist ratio like bAM and his hips are just !! hghghgh and then his leGS like piLLARS holding up my fuckiN SOUL TO GOD WHO I AM FOREVER GRATEFUL TO FOR GIVIN ME THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE TO LOVE and calves like Baseball Bats and hghghhshakhds I love

 **more like HUNKules** : you're literally wild like why

 **johnn** : I just wanna spend all day every day just looking at hercules from all angles

 **laf** : mood but he was supposed to be up for jogging ten minutes ago and instead we made no progress in what to do about our in-laws coming to the beach and also made him go all dreamy

 **more like HUNKules** : I'm just !! wow !! you all really love me

 **johnn** : ,,,are we not,,,,do you feel like we ever don't??

 **more like HUNKules** : is thaT a question?? of couRSE I don't!! the day I feel like you don't love me is the day alex buys Smaller glasses

 **little lion** : they only go up don't even joke

 **more like HUNKules** : that was my point!! it won't ever happen you're still very much outwardly and inwardly affectionate towards me

 **more like HUNKules** : also alex you look very cute rn I love your bubble glasses

 **little lion** : you always think I look cute husH

 **johnn** : you always are cute!! look at my husband, so old yet still adorable

 **johnn** : reALLY wanna talk abt how gorgeous alex is rn

 **little lion** : herCULES DONT YOU HAVE JOGGING TO DO

 **little lion** : TO MOVE THE POINT

 **more like HUNKules** : hdjjsh I don't wanna go you're all so warm and forgiving

 **johnn** : yA!! stay here we love you

 **more like HUNKules** : but then I fall victim to peer pressure

 **little lion** : who cares we're cute

 **more like HUNKules** : mgmbgm fine but I wanna be Snatched af

 **laf** : of course!!

\---

 **hugh lowercase** : where Are you rn

 **more like HUNKules** : ughGHG I'm not Going jogging today I have,,,,,,spouses to make out with and also like,,,cuddle,,,for another 30 mins

 **more like HUNKules** : alsO alex wants to stay home from the beach today bc he's beautiful and sunburnt and we !! have to clean so !!

 **hugh lowercase** : oH !! true the house is a mess

 **hugh lowercase** : that's fine then we've been the past two days

 **hugh lowercase** : we'll bring breakfast back for everyone and then decide on the Cleaning Plan afterwards

 **more like HUNKules** : ty!! we all want pancakes bc we're about that and I'll send you the kids' default breakfast orders

 **hugh lowercase** : what about their signifs??

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,they're also on the default breakfast orders list,,,,they're my children in law,,,,hence they go on the list with my Children

 **more like HUNKules** : also bc they're at our house a lot so !!

 **hugh lowercase** : yeah idk how you let them just sleep in your children's rooms

 **more like HUNKules** : ??? mom and dad let elizabeth sleep in my room when I was seventeen

 **hugh lowercase** : ,,,no they didn't,,,you had to have a trial @ family court when you graduated and even then you weren't allowed to lock your door but they had to knock before coming in

 **more like HUNKules** : I'd,,,rather just have my children's signifs walk into my house than shake as I creep down the stairs with our Family Baseball Bat only to see it's a child with My child trying to sneak down a Hallway like ?? and my children aren't,,,stupid and they know We're not stupid,,,sO,,,,mutual trust and respect

 **hugh lowercase** : ,,,,,I might need your help in the future w this

 **more like HUNKules** : I make no promises with how available I'll be after philip goes to college my husband is getting married in two years, which will bring two more children into our family and we'll probably be spending more time @ this lake house than,,,,not,,,,just because we love the lake house sm,,,,and that has like 0 cell reception and the wifi is garbage until we fix it which will be who the fuck knows when,,,,when you're having a picnic w your spouses on a lake wifi really does not matter tbh

 **more like HUNKules** : wait did I just imply that we're retiring

 **hugh lowercase** : y'all are disgusting but at the same time,,,,sweet

 **more like HUNKules** : we,,,,have spent twenty years making sure that we radiate that energy so thank you

 **hugh lowercase** : ya you've Always been like that but the fact that you still manage to Maintain it is wild

 **more like HUNKules** : I love them !! my heart still is as infatuated with them as it was when I was 22 and it will Always be in a constant state of love like that until the day I eventually die which will probably be never tbh

 **hugh lowercase** : I'm

 **hugh lowercase** : hercules

 **more like HUNKules** : noPE they're all in the bathroom now puttin their hair up in the fancy braid/bun patterns they do for when we clean even though it won't be for a few hours and I'm on a roll now

 **more like HUNKules** : I aM still as in love with them as I was when I was younger, and !! just knowing that I get to still love them and wake up and be with them every single day is just !! like !! wow I am really out here bein the luckiest man on earth!! I was 29 when I married them!! I stood in front of like 34 people and like,,jesus,,,and told him like !! these are the people I want to spend my whole life with and I !! got that !! I get to do that hugh!!

 **more like HUNKules** : wait am I being mean

 **hugh lowercase** : hercules,,,me and elizabeth separated Literally seven years ago,,,,you?? she's still my best friend?? and I still do want to spend my life raising our son w her like,,,you?? love your spouses there's nothing wrong with that and it does not hurt me in any way to hear,,,,if I did I literally would not be able to look you in the eyes bc,,,as you said, you Radiate an Energy

 **more like HUNKules** : still you did have that crisis period like five years ago

 **hugh lowercase** : ,,,,,,I forgot abt that tbh but no I'm fine

 **more like HUNKules** : also what kind of energy do You think we radiate

 **hugh lowercase** : a gay one

 **more like HUNKules** : that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me thank you

 **more like HUNKules** : ok bc like !! my life twenTY years ago, in like a March area,,,was !! me, crying like on the daily,,,,bc I had three best friends I wanted to be with and who wanted to be with me, and I'd just flirt with them ovER FUC KIGN TEXT MESSAGE and then we'd actually see each other and my heart would be pounding out of my chest but nothing would happen and then teN years ago and my husband!! the love of my life!! alexander hamilton, one sixth of the reason my heart beats, broke his owN HEART!! and couldn't even get out of bed and I just !! I loved him so much and I didn't know what to do because I'd never even helped anyone through a breakup!! I'd only seen one in my whole life and I was one half of it!!

 **more like HUNKules** : an d nOW, N O W, my husband's heart is so full and in one piece, we have three !! beautiful !! children and we !! have tattoos and a lake house and an apartment in paris, and our parents are okay and you have william and I'm so emotional oh no

 **hugh lowercase** : are you crying

 **more like HUNKules** : I'm financiaLLY ST A BLE

 **hugh lowercase** : you,,,?? don't you have enough money saved that if all four of you died your kids could live comfortably for the rest of their lives

 **more like HUNKules** : yeAH BUT WE DONT U S E THAT

 **hugh lowercase** : ,,,,,you're rich hercules

 **more like HUNKules** : A LITTLE

 **more like HUNKules** : oh I'm being

 **hugh lowercase:** I'm gonna imagine that ended in "tackled" and not like,,,"killed"

 **hugh lowercase** : I imagine either way you won't have any qualms abt it so !! I'm gonna go jog now this has been a lovely stalling period bye hercules sorry if you're getting killed!!

\---

 **frances** : so are we going to the beach or??

 **theodosia the Second** : oh I probably should've,,found this out before I got dressed

 **pip pip doodly doo** : heart eyes heart eyes heart eyes all day everyday

 **theodosia the Second** : hHJgH

 **laf** : yOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE COMING DOWN

 **frances** : ??? mulligans or washingtons ??? or boTH??

 **anastasie** : bOTH???

 **more like HUNKules** : no not both

 **more like HUNKules** : george and martha refuse to come on vacation w us bc we're a loud family and they are a Quiet Couple

 **pip pip doodly doo** : ,,,,ye ah,,,,

 **anastasie** : fair

\---

 **france eyes** : wait which of your parents?? are?? none of their last names are washington

 **frances** : oH!! the washingtons aren't my Grandparents Grandparents, but my parents are like their kids,,,,but they?? idk my parents work for the company george is like the God of

 **frances** : most of them not hercules

 **james** : wait,,,,like,,,,THE washington company

 **frances** : uHH ya for like a bajillion years but Not Hercules he's always been a tailor love that guy

 **france eyes** : wait ok so,,,,,when you have your parents' one credit card,,,,and say that money is no object,,,,,,,,

 **frances** : it really isn't like you Don't understand

 **james** : great!! can't wait to never let you pay for anything for me in my entire life

 **frances** : jaMES

 **james** : IVE DECIDED BEFORE AND NOW IVE SQUARED IT

 **france eyes** : mOOD

 **frances** : JSHJSDHSDHKSDH

 **frances** : what if I spend my Work money on you

 **france eyes** : what if you Don't

 **frances** : uHHh says the person who bought me a basket of marshmallow peeps once that was like $$$$$$ goodbye

 **france eyes** : ,,,,,,I worked the smoothie bar alone and got like,,,pity tips,,,,,so I had a lot of money

 **james** : I almost killed you for that I swear,,,,like I love you and you're incredibly sweet but !! peEPS

 **france eyes** : I love you too!!

 **james** : hJGJSGH

\---

 **pip pip doodly doo** : so are we beach or cleaning??

 **little lion** : uh well the ot4 isn't going to the beach, but you can take the bus and go if any of you want to!!

 **little lion** : HOWEVER, w'ain't Touching your room,,,so if you do go you need to be back by like,,,one to shower and clean bc they'll be here by three

 **theodosia the Second** : I wanna beach

 **frances** : same

 **james** : rest of f2j also sames

 **anastasie** : same

 **pip pip doodly doo** : mgnmgn same bc I want to sleep but I can't cuddle theo bc she's ready to go so what's the poinT

 **theodosia the Second** : I'm love him sm

 **pip pip doodly doo** : I'm love you too

 **hugh lowercase** : can y'all ask william please if he wants to go or stay!!

 **anastasie** : he said he wants to go!! it's sanDCASTLE DAY

 **hugh lowercase** : do you want one of us to come??

 **frances** : william is my son we'll be fine

 **hugh lowercase** : hdJHkHKH false but okAY HAVE FUN!!

 **anastasie** : we'LL SEND PICTURES

 **johnn** : BLESS

\---

 **little lion** : you clean your room, we'll clean ours, then we all tackle the kitchen and living room and the vacuuming is whoever loses in Physical Combat

 **laf** : my little love you Realize who is going to end up vacuuming right

 **little lion** : judging by the fact that you refuse to even arm wrestle me bc you don't want to hurt me, ya I do

 **laf** : ,,,,,,,I'll just say I'll do it Now so I don't have to be faced with that later

 **elizabeth s** : should we just do the kids' room

 **more like HUNKules** : look at the top of the stairs and tell me if you think you can survive getting there

 **elizabeth s** : ,,,,,,bye

 **more like HUNKules** : we thought so

 **hugh lowercase** : how did they even,,,,do that

 **johnn** : we've learned not to ask!!

\---

 **frances** : does william know uncle hugh and aunt elizabeth are separated yet

 **more like HUNKules** : No

 **frances** : noted

\---

 **laf** : I love you

 **little lion** : I love you too!! it's very cute you refuse to fight me

 **laf** : I'm not gonna hurt you just bc you wanna see if you can put Up a fight unless it is in,,,a different context

 **little lion** : all your nails are acrylic and not Sharp, but I have ragged ones bc of my Decades of biting them sO - one weapon acquired

 **little lion** : uHH I'm cute and you love me would help but you're also cute and I also love you so that's out

 **johnn** : lafayette has no leg hair though so you're,,,dead

 **little lion** : how does that kill me

 **johnn** : ,,there's nothing to pull

 **little lion** : people do that??

 **johnn** : my honeybunch

 **little lion** : I !! want to fight !! never said I knew how!!

 **little lion** : let's take a moment for lafayette's legs tho

 **johnn** : let's Not I will start crying

 **johnn** : or get heart palpitations it's really,,,,just a matter of how long we spend talking

 **more like HUNKules** : y'all're so cute I cried abt you to hugh this morning

 **johnn** : that's why yoU WERE CRYING??

 **more like HUNKules** : when do I ever cry about other things than you??

 **laf** : hJHJgjG you cried at the 20th anniversary showing of the bee movie

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,,,bye

\---

 **little lion** : MY PLAYLSIT CALLED IT CALLED CALLTKED

 **more like HUNKules** : ??? your ???? are these the right songs???

 **little lion** : nO THIS IS OUR SWING PLAYLIST JHDJHJD I PRESSED THE WRONG ONE AND NOW MY PHONE IS GOING SUPER SLOW BC THERES SO MANY SONGS IN OUR SWING PLAYLIST THAT IT WONT LET ME LEAVE

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,,I mean,,,,the coffee table is so easily moved and the rug,,,sO easily wrapped up,,,,

 **little lion** : !! yeS !!

\---

 **laf** : I'm !! in !! fucking !! love !!

 **laf** : idK IF Y'ALL KNEW BUT IM IN LOVE

 **johnn** : yeah got that with the loving us since 21 kinda thing

 **laf** : khsdh that doesn't even count you didn't KNOW about that then

 **johnn** : hmm you've loved us for as long as you haven't

 **laf** : I

 **laf** : ,,john,,

 **johnn** : it kind of sounds weird,,,I feel like there's never been a time where I haven't loved you

 **hugh lowercase** : is this the,,,the right group chat??

 **anastasie** : they have a swing class where frances takes her trombone lessons can I take those

 **johnn** : you'd have to have a dance partner and like,,,,interact with people you aren't familiar with,,,which I know you aren't usually comfortable doing

 **johnn** : but if you think you want to do it we support you and we'll see when the classes are and if you can sign up

 **anastasie** : uhH no I'm good!! don't,,,,like that,,,,would really rather,,,,not do that

 **laf** : you could ask hercules to teach you !! or alex but I know he doesn't know how to Lead

 **johnn** : !! my small !!

 **anastasie** : oH ! yeah right they're swing dancing which means they can,,,,swing dance

 **frances** : amazing

 **france eyes** : wOAH

 **hugh lowercase** : do they know we're here

 **johnn** : probably not

 **theodosia the Second** : wait what

 **laf** : they go into like,,,a trance when they swing dance they don't really notice anyone else unless they're within immediate danger of injuring said person/people

 **theodosia the Second** : aw!! cute

 **johnn** : they always are

 **johnn** : lafayette hug me

 **laf** : hsjhsdjh my star speckled husband

 **frances** : y'all're embarrassing we're leAVING

 **johnn** : !! bye !! have fun !! don't forget about sunscreen, remember to hydrate, and also !! take pictures

 **laf** : eAT WHILE YOURE THERE

 **johnn** : do y'all have money??

 **anastasie** : oH!! no we don't but we're gonna pack the cooler in the garage bc we don't need the big big big one

 **laf** : ,,,do you have Food my love

 **anastasie** : ,,,,,

 **laf** : come up and get money please and also snacks

 **anastasie** : comin

\---

 **laf** : I love our children so much but sometimes they jsut,,,,they just DonT think things through

 **johnn** : my babe

 **little lion** : !! where did everyone go !!

 **laf** : !! the beach love !! hugh and elizabeth are cleaning their room

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,we did the thing again didn't we

 **laf** : you did but it was cute and you made everyone go :^O bc you swing dance and are just Everywhere

 **little lion** : I love hercules very much and am so happy he is my swing dance partner and life partner buT now it is time to blast my playlist of songs anD clean

 **more like HUNKules** : I love you too !! and when your scrunchie came loose and your hair spilled out everywhere I almsot damn near died!! bc you're stunning and I get to be married to you!!

 **little lion** : !! kHhH wE HAVE TO CLEAN I CAN KISS YOU FOREVER LATER

 **more like HUNKules** : I'm gonna hold you to that

 **little lion** : I hopE

\---

 **elizabeth s** : I'm literally sweating what are y'all laughing about

 **little lion** : oH our room wasn't actually that messy so we just have to like,,,clean the bathroom,,,but we did that and now we're,,,,having a fashion show

 **little lion** : john is in wearing hercules' white dad shirts this is fun

 **elizabeth s** : what the fuck

 **elizabeth s** : whY DIDNT WE SPLIT THIS UP THREE AND THREE

 **more like HUNKules** : idk what y'all have in your room and I don't want to

 **hugh lowercase** : it's??? literally clothes and hair products

 **hugh lowercase** : ,,,various,,,satin caps everywhere

 **little lion** : aw

 **johnn** : but also hercules is staying here bc we love him and want him to try and fit into lafayette's clothes

 **laf** : we're built very differently idk how you expect him to do this

 **little lion** : ,,,,skirts

 **laf** : SKIRTS

 **hugh lowercase** : oh my god

\---  
  
**more like HUNKules** : I've,,,worn skirts before

 **johnn** : shhh let us cry

 **more like HUNKules** : but I can't hug you and watching you cry is hard bc I can't hug you so you keep crying

 **little lion** : we love you so much!! you're so beAU!!TI!!FUL!!

 **laf** : hercules!! is!! so!! stunning!! look at our husband!! look at his legs!! that I can't see bc he's in my skirt!! look at his torso shaped like a damn tRIANGLE

 **more like HUNKules** : y ' a l l,,,,,

 **johnn** : ,,,,we're gonna make out w you for a hot min

 **johnn** : ,,,and then we can start cleaning the kitchen

 **little lion** : !! can we go grocery shopping I want to make more fruit salad

 **little lion** : and also the sangria that's actually good

 **laf** : all sangria is Good you just don't like certain wines

 **little lion** : yeah bc those wines are Bad, making the sangria,,,,Gross

 **laf** : oOoh hercules my love do you have your recipe box

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,is this abt my moms mac and cheese

 **laf** : ,,,,,I mean

 **more like HUNKules** : we can make it

 **little lion** : yA S

\---

 **johnn** : you're all so cute!! and the sandcastle looks so good!!

 **little lion** : my babs!!

 **little lion** : you look sunburnt why do you look sunburnt.

 **frances** : it's like six thousand degrees we all have sunscreen on though

 **little lion** : ReApply Please

 **frances** : I'm

 **elizabeth s** : my heart is so full I love

 **anastasie** : HOW MUCH OF THIS FIFTY DOLLARS ARE WE ALLOWED TO SPEND

 **more like HUNKules** : it's,,,,we basically gave you each about seven dollars plus one extra so you can spend all of it but whether or not you want to divvy that up equally but we imagined you'd spend a majority of it on french fries

 **frances** : yES

\---

 **frances** : pAR

 **laf** : !! what's wrong !!

 **frances** : you're rich right

 **frances** : like since forever since the day you popped out and started struttin

 **laf** : where do you find these things to say

 **laf** : but also yes

 **frances** : and we,,,Currently,,,have Money,,,,oui??

 **laf** : oui

 **frances** : okie uHHhH how did you,,,,did dads like !! ever care abt it !! and how did you get them to stop doing it

 **frances:** bc I'm deadass trying to buy soda and james and francis feel guilty but like !! that's not,,what I,,,I know that's not why they're dating me

 **frances:** they literally didn't know!! until this morning !! so !!!!

 **laf:** oh!! honey I'm sorry

 **frances:** ?? for whAT ??

 **laf:** thAT you're worried about this and that your boyfriends are worried abt this

 **frances:** hOW DID DADS WORRY ABT IT

 **laf:** thEY DIDNT REALLY!! THEY DIDNT REALLY FIGURE OUT I WAS RICH UNTIL THEY WERE MAKING MONEY ON THEIR OWN AND IT DIDNT MATTER ANYMORE

 **frances:** l a!! F!! A Y ET TE !! MY PA R!! ENT

 **laf:** juST TALK TO THEM !! MON ANGE !! YA GOTTA

 **frances:** BUT LIKE AT THE SAME TIME WHAT IF THEY DONT WANNA TALK ABT IT

 **laf:** weLL NEITHER DO YOU SO NOW THEY HAVE TO

 **frances:** I'm

 **laf:** sometimes that's the kinda card you need to play

 **frances:** is that how you always get hercules to dust the shelves john and alex can't reach

 **laf:** yes I'm very practiced in this art I've been doing it for years

 **frances:** nice

\---

 **frances:** we're on our way back now w french fries

 **anastasie:** okie!! did you geT my ice cream

 **frances:** no the place you wanted it from doesn't open until one but I think we're coming back later tonight w g &g so !!

 **anastasie:** who said that

 **frances:** dad this morning

 **theodosia the Second** : thTA dad is john bc alex and hercules were swing dancing and laf is your parent not your dad

 **frances** : si!!

 **pip pip doodly doo** : have y'all noticed that theodosia is just,,,,,,,so beautiful,,,,,her hair is so soft

 **theodosia the Second** : why didn't you tell me I was halfway laying on your face

 **pip pip doodly doo** : bc your hair smells like lavender but Also did you get my pOpcorn @ frances

 **frances** : ya ya james has it

 **pip pip doodly doo** : How Going

 **frances** : bad

 **theodosia the Second** : is this code?? are y'all talking in fucking code??

 **anastasie** : Sometimes That If To

 **theodosia the Second** : ,,,,,sure

\---

 **frances:** lafayette said I should talk to you about Y'all not Wanting me to spend Money on You because you don't want to seem like Gold Diggers

 **frances:** I'm opening up the main point immediately bc I want to get over this topic as soon as possible

 **james:** ,,,,,it's an awkward topic

 **frances:** nO!! REALLY!!

 **france eyes** : we love you!! a lot very much!! and we don't want you to feel like we started dating you bc you got dollas

 **james:** got dollas

 **france eyes** : if I don't make it funny I don't make it to the end of the sentence

 **james:** GHDJSDGH

 **james:** buT also!! even though we didn't Know abt the aforementioned Dollas, we don't !! we don't like !! want to make you feel like now that we Know you have it, we're going to ask you to use it every chance you get

 **france eyes** : which is difficult bc you like to Spend Money on Things like Us

 **james** : but also not difficult bc you express your love for us in four million other ways that have Nothing to do with money, which only makes it more difficult to be like ""yeah but your Money"" bc it sounds like we're invalidating the million other ways that you love us which !! is not what we're trying to do !! we're just saying

 **james** : I confused my damn self hold on

 **france eyes** : you!! love us so many other ways that aren't money, we don't want to make it seem Now that we're dating you For your money, when in fact we're dating you bc you're an amazing bright person who we love for four thousand other reasons that are too long to state because Stating them would take for til death

 **james** : yes that my point got,,,lost?? somewhere?? idk I'm still fuckin confused

 **frances** : ok but I Know that

 **frances** : I Know you're never gonna turn around and just start asking for shit just bc you know my family has Money like ??? james feels guilty when he asks me for quarters at lunch??

 **james** : I don't do that anymore we graduated

 **frances** : Still

 **james** : well yeah,,,,you didn't Offer me the quarters,,,,asking for them is rude

 **frances** : noT when that decision is on whether you Eat or Not

 **frances** : nOT WHEN THE DECISION IS WHETHER YOU ARE HYDRATED !! OR NOT!!

 **frances** : or anYTHING!! like that sorry I realize I'm basically yelling

 **frances** : basically let me spend money on you if I Have to or WANT to, bc you would do and have done the same thing for me Multiple times !! don't let It affect anything bc it didn't before

 **james** : ,,,,okay

 **frances** : I will Stay in the cozy little cube of knowledge I have Always been in that you literally don't Care abt the fact that I'm a lil rich

 **france eyes** : bc we don't

 **frances** : yes I know

 **james** : can we nap rn please

 **james** : cuddling is healthy and I love frances very much

 **frances** : yAs

 **france eyes** : ghGHg I'm eating these french fries but I'll sit next to you and hand you them while I do

 **france eyes** : also ana is reading a book I heard abt and I wanna ask her abt the Plot and Characters and the Romantic Subplots of the Main bc I heard it's polyam and I need that

 **frances** : oH!! yeah my aunt wrote that!!

 **james** : ?? the nurse aunt or the sugar baby aunt

 **frances** : oK she's not really my aunt she's my dad's bestie's mom's sister's wife

 **france eyes** : excuse me

 **frances** : !! alex, my dad, has a bestie named angelica, and her sister eliza is married to her wife Maria, who wrote the books ana is reading

 **frances** : they're like the only two people in my family who aren't polyam besides like,,,pip,,,,maybe?? idk,,,,really tryna think of other examples but I can't

 **frances** : my aunt peggy and uncle james aren't polyam but they're both aroace so it's like they're !! not monogamous,,,,either,,,,

 **james** : how fucking Big is your family

 **frances** : literally huge if you include my aunt angelica's side

 **france eyes** : oh my god

 **frances** : she has three partners and all together they have six kids which gives me headaches but they're all nice and range from like 20 to,,,9

 **frances** : which reminds me I have to call john soon

 **james** : which john your aunt angelica's husband john oR her partners' son john

 **james** : or like,,your dad

 **france eyes** : how do you know this

 **james** : we ran into all of them once when we were on a lunch date at the park and frances explained it to me while eating strawberries and being beautiful

 **james** : you were at work

 **france eyes** : oh!! that's cute can we go on a picnic when we get home

 **james** : !! yes !! also sorry frances you've been typing for a while and we've shifted points

 **france eyes** : unrelated but we love you and also we're still asking the question to get back on the point

 **frances** : !! dolley and martha's son !! but he's been @ like,,,a college writing class since graduation and is going to a conference like The Day after he gets home, so !! who knows if I'll see him before college or nOT but I want to I miss him

 **frances** : he's like,,,,my best friend aside from like,,,y'all and my siblings n junk

 **france eyes** : aw you love your siblings

 **frances** : when they're not trying to kill me sure

 **frances** : but they're usually trying to kill me

 **james** : I love you

 **frances** : you give me the chills it's 100 degrees

 **frances** : I love you too

 **frances** : also!! we should eat

 **france eyes** : stiLL wanna ask ana abt the books soOOoO gimme a min

 **james:** of course love

 **france eyes** : mmgbmgnmsgnmhheart eyes

 **james:** mgmngmgnmgnghHHhHomicide

 **frances:** KJDHKJD

\---

 **frances** : hey hot question,,,are you polyamorous,,,,bc I'm curious

 **pip pip doodly doo** : I mean !! passively I guess

 **pip pip doodly doo** : like I know polyamory and monogamy are both Choices so I don't Have to be polyam and I love theo but like,,,,if a person is like,,nice,,,who,,,,is ready to take on how fucking weird I am,,then as long as theo is okay with it !! ya I'd be down,,,more people to love is more people to nap with

 **frances** : amazing

\---

 **frances** : pip is polyamorous I have no examples

 **france eyes** : iM

\---

 **elizabeth s** : what Is this

 **johnn** : he's been on a violin music kick

 **hugh lowercase** : oH wait this is the stuff I send ana to listen to

 **little lion** : ya!! she listens to them and then sends them to Me, and then I jam

 **hugh lowercase** : nice

 **laf** : alex is so beautiful I hope I die

 **johnn** : HHJSHDJ

 **laf** : look at him, the man's thighs alone could stop a truck, not to mention the fact that he's just !! goD !! his shirt can't even comprehend what's underneath it it just sits there like a curtain hiding his Body which is juST curves and soft skin and his hipS!! look at my husband!! with his little racoon hands and his arms and his round face and buBble glasses and the way his bun is so cute bc all his hair is like falling out and framing his face like a halo and his lips are chapped and shaped like god made them himself and he has the cute little chin and what did I ever do to deserve him what the fUCK

 **more like HUNKules** : when lafayette starts staring and you can physically See their eyes go into hearts and they look all dazed, loveliest fucking mood

 **hugh lowercase** : is racoon hands supposed to be used lovingly in this paragrpah

 **more like HUNKules** : yes lafayette has a way with words

 **johnn** : he's so cute I want to run over and just !! kiss him to death but then he'd start giggling and would I make it?? no

 **more like HUNKules** : can I braid your hair tonight

 **johnn** : like for when your parents show up or for like,,,dinner??

 **more like HUNKules** : doesn't matter

 **johnn** : of course!!

 **hugh lowercase** : youRE STILL IN THIS CHAT

 **laf** : shh look at our husband

 **johnn** : reMEMBER SUMMER 2016

 **hugh lowercase** : s T O P

 **more like HUNKules** : oH alex is searching under the couch for things and,,,,bent at an Angle

 **johnn** : OH

 **laf** : heart eyes squared bitch

 **laf** : oh no he's gonna get up again and be all blushy how am I supposed to cope with that,,,

 **johnn** : the same way you're ""coping"" with staring at his ass for five minutes

 **laf** : his ass is Not his face and his Face is where He Is and his face has the Eyes and I've neVER BEEN ABLE TO DEAL WITH EYES NOT FROM Y'ALL

 **more like HUNKules** : aw they ran to him

 **elizabeth s** : we were supposed to clean

 **johnn** : and we did my husband got a flip flop from under the couch look at him go

 **hugh lowercase** : biased

 **johnn** : incredibly but at the same time you would be too !! if you had a husband as wonderful as mY husband!! which is impossible bc there are only two other people as amazing and beautiful as my husband and I snatCHED THEM TOO!!

 **johnn** : tHEFT

 **more like HUNKules** : kaKSHDKJDH

 **hugh lowercase** : can you please,,,stop them from fucking on the living room floor,,,,,,bc I don't think they'll listen to me,,,but y'all have that Light through the Fog effect,,,and also I'm afraid to

 **johnn** : that's not how they make out when they're about to have sex so you're fine

 **johnn** : but they are so cute I love them !!

 **elizabeth s** : we have to CLEAN

 **johnn** : fine we can empty the dishwasher and You can leave my spouses alone and stop cleaning bc we're pretty much done!!

 **hugh lowercase** : ,,,,deal

 **hugh lowercase** : but also I want to help with the mac and cheese

 **more like HUNKules** : yA!!

 **little lion** : nO OKAY WE'RE DONE I ALMOST SUFFOCATED

 **laf** : W E ALMOST SUFFOCATED BC WE FORGOT TO BREATHE ITS FINE

 **johnn** : my beautiful spouses come here and help us empty the dishwasher

 **little lion** : wait can me and john dry the dishes bc we can't reach the high ass shelves in this house

 **laf** : the shelves in our house are literally higher than this but we put everything on the like,,,bottom two bc we don't want you to suffer

 **johnn** : we need to stop being gross today I'm gonna die

 **laf** : I'm literally,,,,just being honest

 **johnn** : but you're cute and pretty much everything in our life is,,,,cute,,,so like !! what ya gonna do !! stop mentioning things

 **laf** : kiss me first

 **johnn** : mmsndsmd you know I can't resist you

 **laf** : !! yes I do that's why I'm askin you to kiss me

 **johnn** : !!

\---

 **frances** : do yALL WANT ANYTHING WHILE WE'RE HERE WE'RE GETTING ICE CREAM AT THAT ONE PLACE W THE RED AWNING AND COMING HOME

 **little lion** : YES ORANGE SHERBERT

 **johnn** : VANILLA PLEASE ILY!!

 **more like HUNKules** : stRAWBERRy!!

 **laf** : cHOCOLATE PLEASE AND THANK!!

 **hugh lowercase** : PEANUT BUTTER

 **elizabeth s** : STRAWBERRY!!

 **little lion** : aw wait did you and hercules go on like Ice Cream dates when you were together and you would match

 **elizabeth s** : yA!!

 **little lion** : I,,,have to go

 **laf** : why are yOU TEARING UP

 **little lion** : thATS CUTE AF JOHN

 **frances** : IS THAT ALL YOU WANT

 **more like HUNKules** : THIS IS MORE THAN I WANTED BUT YES

\---

 **more like HUNKules** : I was told not to be sappy but I just wanted to say that you three are all I ever want okay goodbye

 **laf** : HRWIJHCYEKUJDSKL

\---

 **frances** : talking to the adults of our family is such a chore especially when the ex-wife of your uncle is the ex-girlfriend of your dad and they all have Memories together like why would they do that

 **james** : the more I learn about your family the less I want to learn

 **frances** : one day I'll make you a chart and tell you the whole story but we need to be somewhere we can fucking stargaze bc I need a calming activity to accompany That

 **anastasie** : I deadass don't think I know it still but I'm pretty sure I do

 **frances** : ANYWAY, pip you're driving

 **pip pip doodly doo** : wHY

 **frances** : bc you Can so you Are and bc I have Shit to Carry.

 **theodosia the Second** : I can drive if y'all want??

 **theodosia the Second** : I like Just got my license tho bc I failed my test like three times

 **anastasie** : ,,,why

 **theodosia the Second** : I was so nervous I'd get tunnel vision which is,,,not something you can do when you drive,,,,,and so it was,,,,a bad time

 **pip pip doodly doo** : chocolate cake does taste like 10000 times better when you're using it to cheer your girlfriend up

 **theodosia the Second** : and chocolate cake tastes 10000 better when your boyfriend buys it for you

 **pip pip doodly doo** : I love theODOSIA BURR!! SM

 **theodosia the Second** : sHhHHhH geT IN THE CAR

 **james** : das cute af

 **theodosia the Second** : so is he I'm suffocating

 **theodosia the Second** : can someone give me the keys please??

 **frances** : yA

 **theodosia the Second** : !!

\---

 **pip pip doodly doo** : theo's hair is so beautiful hghgh gh corls

 **frances** : your neck is literally bent backwards staring at her hjhsdjhs

 **pip pip doodly doo** : she's !! stunning !! look at her are you looking at her

 **frances** : I can see her eyes in the rearview mirror but not much else

 **pip pip doodly doo** : her eyes are so pretty too I'm in love

 **pip pip doodly doo** : are you good w francis and james

 **pip pip doodly doo** : you seemed Tense earlier

 **frances** : yeah bc they're wild but we're fine now

 **pip pip doodly doo** : that's good god bless

 **frances** : ye!! but you can go back to staring @ your girlfriend now bc we're almost home and you're gonna have to wait for a hot minute before you can look at her again bc we Do need to shower and clean

 **pip pip doodly doo** : ,,,,,tru

\---

 **hugh lowercase** : where are y'all??

 **hugh uppercase** : ?? about two hours away why

 **hugh lowercase** : nO reason we just wanted to know

 **hugh uppercase** : your mom said she's excited to see all of you again bc Some people don't call

 **hugh lowercase** : I forGET SOMETIMES

 **hugh uppercase** : "oh no I understand,,,I just Thought,,,y'know"

 **hugh lowercase** : aRE YOU TELLING ME HERCULES NEVER FORGETS TO CALL YOU

 **hugh uppercase** : he calls every other evening every time

 **hugh lowercase** : that's not real

 **more like HUNKules** : it's real I like to update mom on the kids and also aks her abt knitting patterns

 **hugh lowercase** : what the fuck

 **more like HUNKules** : well,,,while I'm on the phone with mom or dad, I have three other spouses that either help ana, pip, and frances, with whatever they might need or help me w whatever I'm doing that I can only give my half attention to

 **hugh lowercase** : what!! the!! fuck

 **hugh lowercase** : what eLSE do you usually do while you talk likE??

 **more like HUNKules** : I start making dinner

 **more like HUNKules** : it's called multitasking

 **hugh lowercase** : you have three spouses that's not fair

 **more like HUNKules** : bUT it's really just one parent on the phone and then one parent not on the phone to each child, which you can manage bc the partner to child ratio in both of our households is 1:1

 **more like HUNKules** : now if you don't mind, we're fruit shopping

 **hugh uppercase** : we made a cake !! don't make any cake

 **more like HUNKules** : we're planning fruit salad and mac and cheese

 **hugh uppercase** : okay god bless

 **more like HUNKules** : we eat mac and cheese too much but it's okay

 **hugh lowercase** : doNT forget my chicken

 **more like HUNKules** : we woNT

 **more like HUNKules** : bUT STILL !! I have to go!! bye dad see you in two hours !!

 **hugh uppercase** : see you!!

\---

 **little lion** : ok so are we doing honeydew And cantaloupe or do we have to pick one

 **laf** : we can do both!!

 **johnn** : I wanna buy watermelon bc I love her but I Don't want it in this fruit salad

 **johnn** : but I do wanna take it to the beach Tomorrow and get that watermelon printed beach towel and get pictures

 **more like HUNKules** : !! we need more grapes and also get salad vegetables bc !! salad

 **little lion** : did I hear toMATES

 **johnn** : No, you heard cucumbers and also cheese bc tomatoes are gross

 **little lion** : j'aime les tomates

 **johnn** : mais je t'aime

 **little lion** : je peux t'aimer et les tomates  
  
**little lion** : it's what I'm polyamorous For, John  
  
**johnn** : I

 **more like HUNKules** : loves !! salad shopping !! we can get tomatoes

 **more like HUNKules** : we can put them and croutons in bowls on the side bc y'all are picky

 **little lion** : salad should be easy to eat and not make me crack a fuckign tooth

 **johnn** : oH we'RE PICKY MR. I CANT EAT TH I S TYPE OF MAC AND CHEESE BECAUSE THAT KIND OF CHEESE IS TOO SHARP FOR ME

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,,,,,,

 **laf** : we're buying bread

 **laf** : a meal without bread is nothing

johnn: oui

 **johnn** : uHhhHhH are we getting blueberries

 **little lion** : si I have them

 **johnn** : okie and I have the strawberries

 **more like HUNKules** : bless!! I have all the pasta and !! I also got fudge stripes and more oreos bc I know who we are as a family

 **laf** : yas

 **laf** : love you

 **more like HUNKules** : love you too I'm walking over to the vegetables

 **little lion** : we're looking at string cheese now!! come kiss me

 **more like HUNKules** : walkin faster

\---

 **laf** : hghhgsh when he carries four million things in his Arms like that and then throws them all down and his arms like,,,,Flex,,,like hggh please carry me and throw me down on our Bed

 **more like HUNKules** : gilbert du motier, marquis de lafayette I am sweating in the Milk and Dairy section of a Grocery store

 **laf** : Hercules Mulligan I am Attracted to everything you are and have been and will be

 **johnn** : honestly every single year at the beach we turn into freaks

 **little lion** : do you mean freaks in a mean way or freaks in a ;) way

 **johnn** : ;)

 **laf** : uHh we've always been,,,Freaky,,,,,per se

 **johnn** : yeah but at the beach it seems to be @ a more concentrated amount of sexual tension and Want than,,,,at home?? who knows

 **little lion** : bc we feel like we Can't have sex here,,,which is not true,,,,bc like,,,,,

 **johnn** : OH YEAH SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT HAVING FACETIME SEX WITH YOUR HUSBANDS A COUPLE DAYS AGO BC ???

 **little lion** : ,,,not while we're in the grocery store

 **laf** : mngmng it was gonna happen eventually tbh

 **little lion** : no wait hold up excuse me

 **laf** : well,,,,sharing a bed for the rest of our lives and we're wild and you tell us Certain Stories about you and the polyam triangle and the,,,,frequency of Things,,,,,I'm just sayin it all comes together to a very Certain Point

 **more like HUNKules** : I mean,,,,I'm not saying Anything,,,,but I'm implyin a lot

 **johnn** : yeaH I mean I kind of figured and I know you've thought abt it alexander

 **little lion** : you're all attracted to me and look like That of course I've Thought about it but

 **little lion** : semi-extensively

 **little lion** : but that's a weird topic to bring up to,,,,either relationship of spouses like that's not a thing you do

 **johnn** : I'm,,,,,we're all married to At Least two people,,,,that's not a thing Most people do

 **little lion** : ,,,,,fair

 **laf** : haKHDSJH I want details abt these Thoughts

 **little lion** : hKHSJS can't it involves Private details about Things that you aren't allowed to know

 **laf** : fair and that's cute

 **johnn** : caN we continue shopping now

 **little lion** : yEs !! can we get bananas and make smoothies at some point tonight or tomorrow

 **little lion** : bussin out all the stops for our in-laws rn

 **more like HUNKules** : you're mulligans have I ever mentioned how happy that makes me that you're a part of my family and that I love you and the family we made together!!

 **little lion** : we're bein way too domestic for this fuckign food lion rn I'm fucking crying

 **laf** : aw babe

 **little lion** : !! someone kiss me

 **more like HUNKules** : of course my love

 **laf** : also !! I want cauliflower

 **more like HUNKules** : YES

 **little lion** : !! we need to get home so we can cook !! so let's grab the cauliflower and bananas and jET

 **laf** : !! we have ice cream at home to eat !!

 **johnn** : yES

\---

 **frances** : can we get takeout for dinner

 **hugh lowercase** : no we're having chicken

 **laf** : and mac and cheese w salad and maybe cauliflower

 **laf** : w/ cake for desert bc grandma and grandpa made it

\---

 **laf** : I hate calling them that

 **little lion** : khJHKJSHD just say the mulligans/sarah and hugh then it's Not like they don't know what to call their grandparents

 **laf** : ,,,,fine but if they start doing it like how they call us by first name I'm going to be mortified

 **johnn** : we Let them call us by name tho, like we made it clear like !! you can call us by name if you want!! but made absolutely No similar guarantee for sarah and hugh

 **little lion** : ya

 **laf** : mgmg fine love you

 **little lion:** we love you too!!

\---

 **pip pip doodly doo** : can't we be unhealthy onCE

 **little lion** : not until you're done growing

 **little lion** : and also we're going to the boardwalk later tonight maybe so !! you can be unhealthy there

 **pip pip doodly doo** : b l e s s

 **pip pip doodly doo** : and I'm really done growing like fr

 **frances** : same???

 **johnn** : well how will you know that unless you continue to try and grow

 **frances** : I don't need to grow,,,I already have bend in half to kiss my boyfriend I don't need to pop a vertebrae

 **laf** : I don't think you can Pop vertebrae

 **frances** : well how will I know unless I continue to try

 **laf** : ,,,,damn

 **laf** : also pleasE do not I would be a mess

 **frances** : ,,no promises

 **laf** : dear god

\---

 **hugh uppercase** : your mother got pulled over for speeding buT we're here and we lived

 **hugh uppercase** : also she keeps saying how she's going to give you a Talking bc you don't call or visit

 **hugh lowercase** : HERCULES DOES N O T VISIT

 **hugh uppercase** : but he calls, she only needs to hear you, but if she doesn't hear you she wants to see you

 **hugh lowercase** : KHDSKJHDSKJH

 **hugh lowercase** : YOURE EARLY

 **hugh uppercase** : she's barreling in your door is unlocked

 **hugh lowercase** : NO IT WASNT SHKJDHKJDHK

\---

 **little lion** : your mom is so scary!! I love her

 **laf** : ,,,,accent,,,irish,,,,hercules what are you Hididng

 **more like HUNKules** : I Told you I was irish a Long time ago

 **laf** : yes but there's Irish People and then there's irish people

 **laf** : people can be irish but,,,they don't have an accent,,,,and your mom very heavily fucking Does,,,,so like

 **more like HUNKules** : you've heard this before

 **little lion** : NO WE HAVE NOT

 **johnn** : WE HAVE NEVER HEARD YOUR MOM YELL AT ANYONE

 **more like HUNKules** : OH

 **laf** : HOW !! IRISH!! ARE YO !! U ITS IMPROTATN!!

 **more like HUNKules** : jhsdjHj I moveD HERE FROM IRELAND WHEN I WAS LIKE FIVE

\---

 **more like HUNKules** : how old was I when we moved here

 **hugh uppercase** : like,,,Here Here

 **more like HUNKules** : ya

 **hugh uppercase** : six

\---

 **more like HUNKules** : SIX

 **laf** : W H A T

 **laf** : WE COULDVE MET AS CHILDREN

 **more like HUNKules** : NO??? THATS NOT WHAT THAT MEANS

 **laf** : YES MAYBE

 **johnn** : wait so,,,I'm the only one from,,,,hmmM

 **little lion** : our little american babe

 **johnn** : this is cool the chances of us meeting were so fucking slim and now we've been married for fourteen years

 **laf** : IM ACTUALLY CANT BELIEVE THIS NEVER CAME UP IN TWENTY YEARS OF LOVING YOU YOU NEVER ONCE TOLD US THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY F R O M IRELAND LIKE ME AND ALEX HAVE HAD N U MER OUS CONVERSATIONS ABOUT NOT BEING FROM THE US OF A AND YOU HAVE NEVER CONTRIBUTED A SINGLE POINT

 **more like HUNKules** : I WAS SIX !! I REALLY DONT REMEMBER IRELAND SO I REALLY DONT EVER MENTION IT BC!! IM !! ITS NOT A BIG PART OF ME

 **little lion** : THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE AS TO WHY YOU DONT HAVE ANY OTHER FAMILY HERE BUT YOUR IMMEDIATE FAM

 **johnn** : oH MY GOD!!

 **more like HUNKules** : I

 **johnn** : ALSO !! UHHH SHOW US A FUCKIN ACCENT ??

 **johnn** : LIKE?? GIVE US A TWIRL BITCH

 **little lion** : WHY DO YOUR PARENTS NOT USE THEIR ACCENTS YOUR MOM SOUNDS LIKE SHE CAN READ MY FUCKING EULOGY IN FRONT OF A WATERFALL AND ID COME BACK TO LIFE

 **more like HUNKules** : JDSHJ I WAS LITTLE!! WHEN I TKSD MOVED AND TALKED LIKE THAT

 **more like HUNKules** : AND TO HELP US FULLY ADAPT IDK ASK HER

 **little lion** : HARD PASS SHES STILL YELLING BUT NO THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE

 **more like HUNKules** : KHSJDHSKJDHSKJDH

 **more like HUNKules** : I mean I guess I could Do that accent but it's not my Default like I don' t hide it like john used to or alex but alex had better emotional reasons and I love him very much

 **little lion** : I love you too but also I Need this accent and you love us so you have to

 **little lion** : unless you really don't want to then you do Not have to

 **more like HUNKules** : you!! you can't ask me to do my accent in your mix of scottish and caribbean like that you know it melts me

 **little lion** : yes I do!! pleasE!!!

 **laf** : !!!

 **johnn** : !!!!

 **more like HUNKules** : fine but I'm not saying it Loud

 **laf** : y E S

\---

 **james** : you uh

 **james** : your parents are uh

 **james** : jsut making out right in

 **james** : the Middle of the living room and also in front of my eyes

 **frances** : apparently dad is irish, never knew that

 **pip pip doodly doo** : pops is really hanging low off of hercules' neck they're gonna fall over soon

 **theodosia the Second** : WHY ARE YOUR GRANDPARENTS JUST !! NOT SAYING ANYTHING

 **anastasie** : they've !! known about my parents for 16 years, which means they've seen all this

 **france eyes** : haven't your parents been together twenty years

 **france eyes** : what about those ?? first four years

 **frances** : ok so basically hercules really loved my other parents right, he still does but let's imagine it's a 2012-2016 era, so hercules, 22-26 years old roughly, starts dating my parents after doing some!! heavily gay pining for a year Or Two

 **pip pip doodly doo** : prior to this there were some love at first sights, lowkey cheating, making out while not being officially together AT ALL, and violent fights between my parents and other people

 **anastasie** : and he's like !! comfortable in this relationship but NOT enough that he takes them home to meet his parents, and my other parents don't,,,necessarily Have parents,,,,so they don't really asK

 **frances** : FIVE MONTHS after getting together with them, they move in together and hercules tells his parents it's a ROOMATE situation and our other parents SCREAM but not @ him just !! giving him time,,,WELL

 **pip pip doodly doo** : THEY GIVE HIM SO MUCH DAMN TIME

 **anastasie** : HE!! FORGETS!! TO TELL!! HIS PARENTS!! ABOUT!! THE FACT THAT HE IS DATING THREE PEOPLE!! FOR THREE AND A HALF YEARS!!

 **frances** : THEN EASTER 2016 ROLLS AROUND AND HES LIKE !! HEY FUCK !! IM GOING HOME FOR IT AND MY PARENTS DONT EVEN !! KNOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT THOSE FRIENDS I TOLD THEM ABOUT IN COLLEGE BEFORE ARE MY LONG TERM COMMITTED PARTNERS!!

 **pip pip doodly doo** : SO HE CALLS THEM LIKE ""hey,,,uh remember those people you !! that I live !! yeah those people !! I'm dating them"" AND THEY T E L L HIM THEY ALREADY KN EW BC HERCULES' BROTHER AND OUR UNCLE HUGH F O LL O WED HIM ON IN S TAG RAM AND ASKED BUT THEY N E V E R BOTHERED HIM ABOUT IT BC THEY WANTED TO SEE HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR H I M TO SAY SOMETHING

 **anastasie** : AND THAT IS THE STORY OF HOW MY GRANDPARENTS K N E W FOR 20 YEARS BUT HAVE ONLY S E E N FOR 16

 **france eyes** : can y'all write a book

 **pip pip doodly doo** : we'd need them to do it, we know there's shit they don't want us to Know like they have their instagrams private bc of us

 **anastasie** : uncle hugh told me it's bc they have nudes on them but those,,,they would be taken down,,,right

 **james** : what the fuck

 **anastasie** : I bribed him into telling me and also said I would tell hercules that hugh told us where the vacation place is if he didn't admit IMMEDIATELY tell me why we weren't allowed to follow our own parents

 **frances** : well if you go through the reasons they Wouldn't do that, they are in like the ultimate position of job security considering, and they really do surround themselves with people they're comfortable enough being themselves around

 **anastasie** : ,,,,omg

 **frances** : so they're really free of most things that would stop them from doing that

 **pip pip doodly doo** : I BET THEIR FOLLOWERS KNOW WHERE THE VACTION PLACE IS

 **frances** : OH MY GOD

\---

 **frances** : are y'all alright

 **james** : !! your grandparents !! never met them before

 **france eyes** : yeah same I'm !! just a little nervous bc !! obvious reasons

 **frances** : are you going to be okay??

 **james** : I'm fine !!

 **france eyes** : same !! we love you!!

 **frances** : I love you too!!

\---

 **theodosia the Second** : have I Met your grandparents

 **pip pip doodly doo** : uHHhH yes you came over on christmas eve this year and met them

 **theodosia the Second** : right!! right they like me right

 **pip pip doodly doo** : ye they raved about you for hours after you left

 **theodosia the Second** : okay!! okay good

 **theodosia the Second** : kiss me real quick for Strength

 **pip pip doodly doo** : !! of course

\---

 **johnn** : I love when hercules' parents come to wherever we are you can literally see where hercules learned to just !! love someone whole heart whole soul

 **laf** : yeah considering he had no other blood relatives around considering he's from IRELAND

 **more like HUNKules** : we really don't need to hold hands down the table like this

 **little lion** : but it's so nice and we look cute

 **little lion** : also the mac and cheese was so good!! I love the mulligans and this beautiful recipe I am forever grateful for getting to meet hercules despite the fact that he is from IRELAND AND NEVER TOLD US

 **more like HUNKules** : KHDHSKJSHDKJ

\---

 **more like HUNKules** : MY MOM BROUGHT B OA R D G A ME S

 **little lion** : APPLES TO APPLES

 **little lion** : WE HAVE TO PLAY TEAMS !! I LOVE YOU ALL YOURE MY TEAM

 **johnn** : you're my everything

 **little lion** : ,,,,john this is how people DIE

 **johnn** : kiss me

 **little lion** : !!! omg !!!

\---

 **anastasie** : APPLES TO APPLES

 **little lion** : WE'RE DOING THREE TEAMS OF F IVE

 **little lion** : ANA YOURE ON OUR TEAM

 **anastasie** : !! yas

 **frances** : n O WE WANTED ANA

 **johnn** : TOO BAD COME HERE MY S M ALL

 **anastasie** : I'm being fought over

 **anastasie** : how nice !!

 **little lion** : !! ma petite !!

 **anastasie** : !! I'm coming !!

 **laf** : WOOOOOOOOOO

 **pip pip doodly doo** : fuCK

 **james** : so it's frances, phil, and their signifs ya

 **frances** : oui

 **pip pip doodly doo** : ""phil""

 **james** : yeah I can't remember if I've ever called you pip or not didn't wanna be weird

 **pip pip doodly doo** : just go for it tbh I really could care less as long as the pronouns are right

 **james** : !! noted

 **elizabeth s** : and then !! hughs, sarah, me, and william

 **elizabeth s** : you're so gonna get dead

 **little lion** : uHhhH ME, MY SPOUSES, AND ANA ARE RIGHT HERE??

 **elizabeth s** : ,,,,exactly,,,,

 **little lion** : EXC US E M E

\---

 **johnn** : so we're Not boardwalking

 **little lion** : no we're killing hercules' sister-in-law

 **more like HUNKules** : I swear to god you have Never called her that in our life

 **little lion** : :^O our life O^:

 **more like HUNKules** : would you prefer if I not called it that??

 **little lion** : I would prefer if you Only called it that for the rest of our life

 **more like HUNKules** : it sounds grammatically Incorrect tho

 **little lion** : don'T care darling it's cute and I am For It

 **more like HUNKules** : I love you

 **little lion** : I love you too!! can I sit in your lap

 **more like HUNKules** : come here

 **little lion** : !!!

\---

 **laf** : 10-7-3 GOODBYE

 **elizabeth s** : NEXT TIME I SWE A R

 **frances** : HAHAHSHASJHSAJSH SECOND PLACE!! SECOND PLACE!!

 **pip pip doodly doo** : wOOOOOOOOOO

 **anastasie** : WE WON BY THREE !! I AM COMEDY THAN K YOU FOR YOUR CHUCKLES

 **anastasie** : YEEHAW

 **james** : HSDJHDS ARE YOU OKAY

 **anastasie** : HIGH ON POWER

 **more like HUNKules** : uHH you better be Only getting high on power and life until you are out of our supervision and not at risk of losing your Scholarship I am not kidding

 **anastasie** : ,,,fine

 **more like HUNKules** : ,,,I'm gonna get it in writing just wait until tomorrow

 **frances:** didn't I have to sign something after I got like,,,fucked up bc I accidentally took Your dosage of nyquil instead of mine

 **more like HUNKules** : fucking yes I have it laminated and saved with your important files

 **frances** : ksdhKHDSH

 **pip pip doodly doo** : I never had to sign anything??

 **little lion** : you never had a close brush with nyquil induced death or started screaming abt winning ten apples to apples games until you Looked like you could literally go out and jsut POUND whatever drugs make you go wild

 **anastasie** : bc pip doesn't know what it's like to win ten apples to apples games

 **pip pip doodly doo** : HJDHSH COME HERE

 **anastasie** : PARENTS HELP

 **little lion** : please no

 **pip pip doodly doo** : I picked her up but I didn't know what to do with her so I just,,,,literally put her on her bed nicely like what the fuck god

 **theodosia the Second** : I got an arm muscle view so it wasn't completely worthless

 **pip pip doodly doo** : ,,,st o p

 **johnn** : weRE going to bed goodnight children we love you we'll see you tomorrow eARLY morning for the beach!!

 **frances** : niGHT

 **pip pip doodly doo** : lovE YOU!!

 **anastasie** : sEE YOU TOMORROW

 **france eyes** : aw

\---

 **james** : tag yourself I'm theo reminding philip to take off his binder before he goes to bed and then just the confused "",,,no???"" and her ""you,,,have to take y-oh"" ""yeah""

 **theodosia the Second** : ITS A HABIT I HAVENT DROPPED ENTIRELY YET

 **james** : HSDKHSKKH

 **pip pip doodly doo** : I love!! my girlfriend!! very very so much!! I cannot wait !! to marry her and spend the rest of my life supporting everything she does!! while I ?? fuck around and paint maybe?? god I have to figure out what I'm gonna do to support us,,,for theo

 **theodosia the Second** : goodbye

 **theodosia the Second** : I love philip so much

 **pip pip doodly doo** : ahjdshJHDS

 **anastasie** : PLEASE go to bed so I can sleep and not hear you giggling

 **pip pip doodly doo** : ruDE

 **anastasie** : NOT AS RUDE AS YOU ROBBING ME OF MY B E A U T Y S L E E P PHILIP NOW HSHHhHHh

\---

 **laf** : IRELAND

 **laf** : THIS WHOLE TIME

 **more like HUNKules** :S L E E P

**Author's Note:**

> soME comments:  
> \- both pip and theo are trans ((they're not the only trans characters in 1-800 tho))  
> \- p much everyone has anxiety bc I, as an anxiety, cannot fathom life literally at all without panic so !! writing characters that Do not do this is,,,idk how  
> \- also leTS pretend for a moment that all current technology and social media will be roughly the same in 2032 bc I'm really wingin it out here
> 
> tumblr: lol-phan-af 
> 
> comments are always appreciated


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